WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.