@murrman5
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
@Fred_Delicious
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
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@murrman5
@jamdugg
*first date*
Her: I like bad boys
Me: Could you hang on a minute?
*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*
Me: Go on…
@johndashgreen
Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.
@yerpalmildsauce
I bet centaurs never know who to root for at rodeos.
@IbecameMyDad
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
@AnOrangeSNES
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
@alexlumaga
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
@J0hnnyBlaze
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
@dragonsorbet
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
@GrantTanaka
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor