Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
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Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Me trying to look natural in photos
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…