@Fred_Delicious

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

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@murrman5

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

@jamdugg

*first date*

Her: I like bad boys

Me: Could you hang on a minute?

*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*

Me: Go on…

@johndashgreen

Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.

@IbecameMyDad

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

@AnOrangeSNES

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

@alexlumaga

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

@J0hnnyBlaze

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

@GrantTanaka

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor