wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
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Her: I like bad boys
Me: Could you hang on a minute?
*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*
Me: Go on…
Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.
I bet centaurs never know who to root for at rodeos.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor