Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
🤣✨#caturday
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*