[internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here’s a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
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Things were different in the 80s one time I was kidnapped for a week and no one looked for me. I came home & my room was converted to a gym.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
It’s cray that I totes obvi say perf and adorbz on the regs
Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium
**slow taco crunch**
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.
My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.