WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers




WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

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Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.


Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’


Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”


Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.


Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?


My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.


EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics


I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.


I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.