WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
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Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
i love meeting boys on tinder
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.