@daemonic3

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

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@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

@VitaeArcanum

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

@SerialFuckup

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

@generaldietz

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

@OINKimmaPIG

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

@Lilbyrdy

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

@TheToddWilliams

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

@sixfootcandy

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

@koalaslament

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.