Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
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Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Holy moly
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]