The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
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Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.
Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?
When you can’t afford a car with parking sensors.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“I’m not a fan.”