@lecalabara

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

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@theshantilly

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

@envydatropic

Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything

@rickolantern

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

@Tmoney68

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

@TheMichaelRock

Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.

Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.

@generaldietz

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

@hazelmotes1

Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?

@jessokfine

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.