[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
You Might Also Like
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
live, laugh, laundry.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Sunday
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.