Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
School be like
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*