When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
You Might Also Like
*cleaning out wallet*
Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?
Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new
*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
Me:”But if, as the sign says, there are ‘no right turns’ can u really fault me for making a wrong one.”
Cop:”Thats deep but, yes.”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch