Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
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A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You