@SvnSxty

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

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@3sunzzz

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

@MondayPajamas

*cleaning out wallet*

Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?

Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new

*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*

@JohnLyonTweets

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

@AimeeHelene1

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

@d_duhwit

Me:”But if, as the sign says, there are ‘no right turns’ can u really fault me for making a wrong one.”
Cop:”Thats deep but, yes.”

@Ivsy01

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.