The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already?
ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it’s a mystery I guess
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We set traps.
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Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
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It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
computer: re-enter password
computer: passwords do not match