@Brampersandon_

WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already?

ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it’s a mystery I guess

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@Gupton68

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

@Sarcasticsapien

I want to create a show called “Deja Vu” simply for the “Previously on Deja Vu”.

@radiantbutch

some of y’all never wrote “sorry” on the bottom of ur high school math test and it shows

@rickygervais

It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils

@frogpissmouth

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

@KentTheG

It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.

@GauravBlue4ever

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

@50FirstTates

computer: re-enter password

me: mysocks

computer: passwords do not match