WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already?

ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it’s a mystery I guess

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The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.


Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.


I want to create a show called “Deja Vu” simply for the “Previously on Deja Vu”.


some of y’all never wrote “sorry” on the bottom of ur high school math test and it shows


It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils


moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend


It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.


Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??


computer: re-enter password

me: mysocks

computer: passwords do not match