5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
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*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]