Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
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Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
IT’S-A ME,
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME