Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
🤣🤣🤣
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.