Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?