@GrantTanaka

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

You Might Also Like

@Landon8426

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

@MumInBits

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

@TheAndrewNadeau

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

@Swan_Corleone2

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

@ShortSleeveSuit

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

@ScottLinnen

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

@CrzyCharly

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

@HiddleDeeDee

You’re not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat, hoping to connect with a kid.