*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
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Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
You’re not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat, hoping to connect with a kid.