wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

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Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”


4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge


imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in


Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all



ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others


[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*


Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.


Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….


You’re not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat, hoping to connect with a kid.