Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

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Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
Me: smart


listen, officer – t h e o r e t i c a l l y – would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk


$50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.


Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.


Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.


If you’re going to call people who aren’t yet born “the unborn” then you have to call people who aren’t yet dead “the undead”


Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.

Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.


If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?