@DadZZZasleep

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

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@SexyKitty975

Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
Me: smart

@BillMc7

listen, officer – t h e o r e t i c a l l y – would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk

@salamingia

$50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.

@markedly

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

@3sunzzz

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

@NicestHippo

If you’re going to call people who aren’t yet born “the unborn” then you have to call people who aren’t yet dead “the undead”

@perfect_messs

Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.

Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.

@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?