Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.