Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
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Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
this is the news I live for
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
🤣✨#caturday
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.