Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

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I’m going to walk up to strangers and ask “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.


My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”


🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi


Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.


Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?


I’m just sayin’


Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.


I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.


I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast


I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB


GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?