Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
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My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
In space, no one can hear…
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.