wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
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Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*