wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
😎 🍻
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.