wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.