Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
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I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I wish that my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.