Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

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Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.


IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.


“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.


HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine


Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?


Retailer #1: Hey we just got a bunch of great books in! People are going to love them!

Retailer #2: Great! Let’s put price stickers on them.

#1: The kind that come off easily and cleanly, right?

#2: NOPE!


Do you get extra points for killing two birds with another bird?


If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)


Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.


if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners