Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.


I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.

I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.


Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body


I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…


Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.


brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions


In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.


Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.