@ElKnuckelhombre

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

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@murrman5

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

@perfect_boxx

I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.

I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.

@meganamram

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

@o__0Dev

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

@brunopieroni

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

@GrantTanaka

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

@aveuaskew

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

@reeni730

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.