Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
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If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”