@ElKnuckelhombre

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

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@kevinrowe1

Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?

@AimeeHelene1

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

@RdrJay47

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

@Darlainky

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

@KeetPotato

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

@TheBeerGuy73

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

@xLiserx

I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.