Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
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Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
This sounds bad:
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”