im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
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FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: