I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
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Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Natty or not?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!