WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
You Might Also Like
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder