Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
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“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.