WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm


Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.


[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy


*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.


It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”


*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*



Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?


CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?


got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball