WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
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Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I was bored.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Strangers have the best candy.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.