Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

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I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–

I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though


I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.


Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.


Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.


Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!


Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?


[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*


I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.


*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket