Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Extremely relatable.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Always
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.