Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Your honor these allegations are
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*