Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
thanks auntie mary
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.