Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
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The earth revolves around the sun. So, I guess if you want me to revolve around you, you’re gonna have to set yourself on fire.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”