Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
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Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.