WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.