WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

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[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please


FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.


Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.


Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?


Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!


A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.


Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.


Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.


Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.