Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort


Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

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DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property


If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs


I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.


My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.


[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there


Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.


Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?


[Imagine Dragons Concert]

me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*


ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong