DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
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I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[Imagine Dragons Concert]
me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong