wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
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My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?