I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
You Might Also Like
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
john wicks are toilet candles
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.