Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

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I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie


My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.


If you guys don’t start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don’t make me ruin this for everyone.


Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep


me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”


This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice


[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute


Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them


I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.


me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food