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@AmishPornStar1: Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
@TheEllenShow: I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
@TheBoydP: Protip: If a party guest says "I don't dance" what he's really telling you is "make my drinks stronger please".
@AlwaysAButt: doctor: you're gonna need to take probiotics
me: oh i don't think i can afford that
doctor: don't worry, there are lower cost options
me: ah, yes. amateur biotics
@Robert_Beau: My family tree is a cactus, we're all pricks.
@pdxjohnny99: The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.