Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
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Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too