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@AmishPornStar1: Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
@noog: [5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren't actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
@mattingebretson: Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I'm talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair
@NewDadNotes: Mom: [carries in womb for 10 months, breastfeeds another 12 months, quits job to stay at home and raise our daughter]
Me: [does the going downstairs behind the couch gag]
Daughter: Daddy’s my best friend!
@xosm: Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I'd rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
@TheMichaelRock: Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..
Me: It's a feeling you get when..
Foreigner: I want you to show me..
Me: Ok, like wow. We just met