Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed