If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
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If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Canada has crack?
Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you’re fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn’t originally realize.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil