Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
You Might Also Like
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet