God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
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YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.