wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My brain is a bad influence on me
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Danger is very dangerous
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?