GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
(Spelling is hard)
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
“Sir, how may I help you?”
*swivels around in chair*
— A coffee please!
“Did you bring that chair in here?”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
things I’m passionate about: The Rule of Threes, self referential humor, and the Oxford comma.