Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
Me: buy the kids
Me: a trampoline.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
The girl I have a date with tonight texted and said ‘I have no gag reflex 😉 ‘
So I guess that means I’m taking her to a Nicolas Cage movie
It’s fun to stay at the!
“Oh I’ll be your relationship status alright…”
-me sleeping outside this Taco Bell
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Me as a dad
Sorry I yelled ‘killin’ it’ when your mom was eating that banana
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*
ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?