Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.



Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

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Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didnโ€™t


Me: buy the kids


Me: a trampoline.



What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?


The girl I have a date with tonight texted and said ‘I have no gag reflex ๐Ÿ˜‰ ‘
So I guess that means I’m taking her to a Nicolas Cage movie


“Oh I’ll be your relationship status alright…”

-me sleeping outside this Taco Bell


batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?


Me: Iโ€™ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Letโ€™s revisit this again next year.


*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?