Kid: Can I sleep in your room tonight, I’m scared of the monster.
Me: WHAT, and have the monster follow you into my room and kill us both?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
*tosses another nun off the overpass*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.