WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
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Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.