Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
*offers Batman cough drops*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”