Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
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If the world was made of LSD, I’d learn to walk on my tongue.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Brobbits before Hobbits
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.