@iwearaonesie

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

@SveldtSmelt

If the world was made of LSD, I’d learn to walk on my tongue.

@Brentweets

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

@ArfMeasures

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

@Parkerlawyer

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

@MarfSalvador

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

@Reverend_Scott

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

@sixfootcandy

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

@MJMcKean

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.