When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Wife: I told you to slow down.
Cop: License & registration, please.
Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?
Me: Look underneath them.
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Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash.
This divorce thing is really working out for me.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I’d definitely watch a show with Dr. Phil going door to door reading people’s Google search history out-loud with the most judgmental stare.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Advertisers think we’re like “Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it’s selling!”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Her: Ask me anything..
Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?
Her: Are you seri..
Me: *flips table*