@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: I told you to slow down.

Cop: License & registration, please.

Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?

Me: Look underneath them.

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@pixelatedboat

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

@callie_cakes

Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash.

This divorce thing is really working out for me.

@CeruleanGates

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

@remmarg_yelsel

I’d definitely watch a show with Dr. Phil going door to door reading people’s Google search history out-loud with the most judgmental stare.

@putyoursisterd1

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

@kumailn

Advertisers think we’re like “Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it’s selling!”

@elunatyk

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

@roxiqt

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

@ComedicBust

*Blind Date*

Her: Ask me anything..

Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?

Her: Are you seri..

Me: *flips table*