@BigJDubz

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

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@3sunzzz

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

@Izianikapani

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

@jtrulez

If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.

@PaperWash

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

@mattZillaaaa

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

@AlexRogaski

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

@david8hughes

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

@librarianfonz

Growing up in a household dominated by females, you learn:

1. The importance of listening
2. 101 euphemisms for “the monthly visitor”