Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

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[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.


So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.


If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.


McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know


[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away


[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”


There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.


Growing up in a household dominated by females, you learn:

1. The importance of listening
2. 101 euphemisms for “the monthly visitor”