Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
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If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.