Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
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My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Just a phase…
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.