WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
You Might Also Like
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
At an art museum and I thought this was art
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?