Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

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Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.


My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn’t paying for his college now.


[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?


Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.


Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..


My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back