Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
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My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn’t paying for his college now.
In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.
Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be