@btiici

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

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@dumbbeezie

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

@ilovepie84

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

@LosLos__

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.

Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?

*pulls out pillow*

@GlumGeorgeLucas

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@david8hughes

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

@LaBelleMae

Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.

@NervousJr

Nobody tell my husband that “year round periods” aren’t a thing.

@frenziedandfine

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.