@btiici

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

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@SufficientCharm

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

@jonnysun

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

@KylePlantEmoji

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

@OllyiConic

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

@UncleDuke1969

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

@Brianhopecomedy

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

@AtticusFinch79

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

@LukeMones

This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?

@GrantTanaka

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

@PhilJamesson

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this