@btiici

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

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@GreenishDuck

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

@thatguyJA

My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn’t paying for his college now.

@KissabiX

[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?

@ddsmidt

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

@oigoabuya

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

@Spaziotwat

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back