Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
You Might Also Like
There’s no “u” in narcissist
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
The news in a nutshell.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
man: wait
time: no
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.